The Lie of "Super Mom"

There are so many emotions that come with motherhood.  Love, joy, fear, and the list goes on and on.  One emotion I wasn't expecting and has at times felt crippling, is guilt.  Guilt that I am not being a good Mom.  There is this idea of the ideal Mom, but no one even knows what that really means.  In America we have this term "Super Mom" and it's like a badge every Mom would like to wear.  It shines of independence, self-assurance, self-sufficiency, and this "I've got it all together smile."  (not to mention nursing, cloth diapers, organic food….on and on).

Where did this come from?  Why do we beat ourselves up when we can't live up to this?

This past Sunday, I was at the home of a new friend.  She is a little different than most of my friends because she lives only with her husband and son.  Usually after marriage a women moves in with her husband's family.  Anyways, I was very curious what is was like for her after she gave birth to her son. What was life like for a women who lives alone in this culture raising her child.  You know what she told me?  She went to her mother's house for six months!!

Living in another culture gives me the opportunity to view motherhood not only through my American lens, but also through the eyes of women in India.  Here when a woman has a baby, she is surrounded by a group of women.  Her mother, mother-in-law, sister-in-laws…not to mentions aunts, cousins, and grandparents.  This idea of figuring out motherhood on her own does not exist here. The idea of reading a book to know how to take care of your baby doesn't exist here.  Why would you read a book when you are surrounding by women who have done it themselves, often multiple times. The idea that a women should be able to hold a screaming baby, make a bottle, and cook dinner all at the same time…is frankly CRAZY and overwhelming.

Of course, this happens much more naturally here because most people(or at least most people that I live around) live with their extended families.  So, there are helpers already built into your life.

So, what is the point you ask?  The point is that there is no "Super Mom."  You may see her Facebook statuses or pictures of her looking beautiful and holding her equally beautiful baby…but she is struggling, just like every new Mom that has wondered when she will ever sleep or shave her legs again.

Independent, self-assured, and self-sufficient might have been the old face of "Super Mom," but I want to learn from my Indian sisters and embrace interdependence, vulnerability, and community.  So, all you new Moms out there(mostly the ones living in the West feeling like you can't "do it all")  most women in the world frankly…don't.  They don't do it all, and neither should you.  Forget "Super Mom" and just love the heck out of that baby and ask for help…a lot!



*here is a selfie of my beautiful self, with my beautiful baby, haha ;)

Ava Lily's Birth Story

I am just two (ahem now that I have returned to this blog, 3.5) months late, but I thought some of you might want to hear Ava's birth story.  I like reading people's birth stories, so maybe some of you do as well.

**Disclaimer, if you are a man this might not be your favorite post, feel free to stop reading**

The day before Thanksgiving I went to the doctor for a check up.  I was 38 and a half weeks along, but they had been saying Ava might come early for the last couple weeks.  I had given up on the thought of her coming early and decided she would probably be late.  Oh, those last weeks of pregnancy….so ready to get something going.  I know y'all know what I mean!  So, nothing had progressed and I saw a different doctor than my normal doc because she was on vaca all week.  The doctor I saw said the same thing, "she could come anytime.. but if you have her tomorrow, could you wait until after Thanksgiving lunch?"

I went home a little bummed that there hadn't been any progress, but decided to just enjoy some Thanksgiving the next day.  We were staying at my Mom's house and Ryan's parents and brother were coming over on Thanksgiving day for all the festivities.  Little did we all know how many festivities there would be :)

Thursday morning I woke up and helped a little (not much) getting things ready for lunch.  Ryan's parents, bro, my bro and nephew, and my Memee all came over for lunch.  Up until this point I wasn't feeling like anything spectacular was going to happen anytime soon.

I loaded up on Thanksgiving lunch and then we were all sitting around talking.  I started feeling some pains, kinda like cramps.  I went to the bathroom for a minute and didn't say anything to anyone.  I came back and told R (and everyone else there) that I was feeling some contractions…maybe.  It is so hard to know when you are really having contractions at first.

We all decided to go on a walk around the neighborhood and that is when I realized something different was definitely happening.  Like I had to take a little break from walking because of the contractions.  Anyways, this kept on for a few hours.  Not the walking…just the contractions.

It was all pretty crazy and exciting to be in labor while both your family and your husband's family are all in one house.  I would go in the back room and rock in the rocking chair a little.  Different people would come in and chat.  Everyone that is, except my brother.  He doesn't do so well with people in pain, especially his little sister.

I had all these ideas of how I wanted labor to go and what I wanted to do during labor.  Stretches, take a bath in the jacuzzi, let R use all those massage techniques we learned at birthing class, and wait until I was having steady contractions to go to the hospital.  I didn't want to be one of those girls that went to the hospital and then got sent home.

I did get in the jacuzzi and was feeling pretty good about myself and how well I was handling this labor thing.  My contractions where getting stronger and closer together.  They were still only lasting about 45 seconds, but after getting a shower I decided we should head to the hospital to check things out. That was around 9pm.

Well, R, my Mom and I loaded up in the car, while R's dad(the photographer took pics of us) and headed to the hospital.  In my mind, I was totally a 4 at least!  My contractions were getting so strong it was getting hard to walk, but I was determined to walk to the labor and delivery floor, not go in a wheel chair.  So, R and I got to the room while my Mom parked the car and I changed clothes and all that.  Then the nurse came in to check me.  She told me I was still a 2 and my effacement hadn't changed.  She said I was dehydrated some and that probably my uterus was just aggravated, maybe I wasn't really in labor.  SAY WHAT!?!  She suggested I walk around the hospital for an hour and she would check me again.  An hour later…no change.  By this time, I was having to breathe through contractions and all my ideas of R and I doing this together where out the window.  I had to breathe and I didn't need any help doing it!!  So, she sent us home.  I was so upset.  For one thing, I thought, "if this isn't labor, oh my goodness…I am going to die when I really go into labor" and for the second thing, how was I supposed to know when to come back.  She told me to go home and try to sleep and drink a lot of water.  That was around 11pm.

We headed back home and everyone rested while I rocked in the chair and breathed through contractions.  After a few hours, I went to the bathroom and realized we needed to head back to the hospital.  Although, I was kinda nervous about going back and nothing being different.  That was around 2am.

Once we got there the same nurse checked me and I was a 4!!  Woo hoo, I really was in labor!!  Praise God :)  I knew I had to  be!  My labor progressed and it pretty much consisted of me keeping my eyes closed and breathing and trying to relax.  Every once and awhile I would open my eyes and see R and my Mom looking exhausted and watching the contraction monitor.  I had decided before everything that I wanted an epidural, but I wanted to wait until I was at least a 5 or 6.  Turns out the anesthesiologist had a little trouble getting out of bed and making it to my room until around 6am, when I was a 7.  He strolled in with his cocky self and said, "wow, glad I got here, we almost missed giving you an epidural."  I said, "I'm glad you got here too."  I secretly wanted to smack him in the nose!  I got my epidural and it was fabulous.  I was so exhausted because my contractions where about a minute apart.  One minute is a really short time to try to relax before the next one comes, so it was a really peaceful time to be able to relax and focus on getting ready to push.

Around 12pm my doctor, well not my actual doctor, but the one who was on call, showed up.  My doctor was still on Thanksgiving vacation, so sad.  I really love her.  Anyways, she broke my water and I started pushing.  Forty six minutes later, Ava Lily Hartsfield was born.  It was beautiful.  I think during labor I was so focused on each phase that I didn't have much time to really imagine what I would be like when that baby girl was laid on my chest for the first time.

She was perfect and chubby and had good lungs.  I held her to me and cried and looked at R with his teary eyes and my Mom did her cry squeal that she does only about her grand babies, and everything all the pain of the last 20 hours made perfect sense.  Of course, I was still numb from the epidural…I don't wanna lie…that was nice.

We spend the night in the hospital and headed home the next day with our 7lb 14oz beauty.  Birth one of the most painfully, beautiful things I have ever experienced.

*walking around the neighborhood

*we played a game where everyone tried to guess how big my belly was, Boston won!

*loved having all these people in town for Ava's birthday :)

*just a few hours old

*Naani and Grandaddy

*family picture

*sweet cheeks

Are Muslims Dangerous?

There are some posts that I love to write and there are some posts that seem to write themselves in my head.  I don't want this to come across as a rant of some sort, but I feel like a few things need to be said and said clearly.

If you have been reading this blog or know anything about our lives, you know that we live in India and live in a neighborhood that is majority Muslim.  We are learning language and researching business ideas that will be what we like to describe as, "a blessing to the community."  We believe God led us to India and we believe that small sustainable business can help communities.  We also follow Jesus and know that he has called us to love our neighbors and share his love and the story of what he has done and what his Kingdom is about among our neighbors.

We have been meeting with a lot of people to share with them about our experiences in India and one question seems to be on the tip of everyone's tongue.  Some ask it in curiosity, some ask because they really just don't know, and unfortunately some ask in animosity.  What is this question??  In some form or fashion it is something like this:

"Are Muslim's dangerous, are you in constant danger?"

Uggh, where to begin.  I don't even know.

As a disclaimer, I write this blog as a follower of Jesus.  So the things I say and believe are rooted in the teachings of the Bible.  So, if you are reading this and are not a Christian, I can't say how you should or shouldn't see Muslims(although I have my opinions), but if you are a follower of Jesus, it is time for some heart change.  It is time to re-read the message of Jesus and realize that this idea that Muslims are bad or horrible is really not okay, in fact it is sinful.

So back to the question, "Are Muslim's dangerous, are you in constant danger?"

The quick answer is no and no.  There are estimated to be around 1.6 billion Muslims in the world.  Are some of them dangerous, sure.  Are enough of them dangerous to justify the claim that ALL Muslims are dangerous, absolutely not! Does the media portray them as dangerous and violent, yes.  Some of you may read this blog and think, "okay, Kristin likes Muslims and thinks they are nice people.  So what?"  So my challenge to you is instead of feeling fear or apprehension when you see a Muslim family walk into your grocery store, or your school, or your favorite coffee shop go talk to them.  America is full of refugees, many of them are Muslims.  I can assure you, most of them come from cultures that are much more relational than America and it is likely they would love to see a friendly face that wants to get to know them and not just clump them into a category of dangerous or violent.

Do it, live differently!

I promised my Muslim friends I would speak for them and I do and will.  But, learn for yourself.  It is so easy to judge when you just watch the news (or pass along emails that are filled with false accusations and facts) and live separately from everything going on "out there."  Get to know Muslims, share your life, share your table, share their table(it will be tasty for sure!), ask questions and watch your heart and assumptions begin to change.

"What is it like being back in America?"

People keep asking what it is like being back in the States after being gone for (almost) two years.  Honestly, I am not sure I can even write about that yet.  Or at least write very well on the subject.  Yet, here I am writing a post...hmmm weird.

It is kind of like in, "The Lion, the Witch and Wardrobe."  The children all go into the wardrobe and experience these great adventures, joys, and hardships and when they come back to England they realize life is the same as when they left, yet they are profoundly different.  They have met Aslan, they are Kings and Queens of Narnia! (thanks to Steve Husmann for the Narnia reference)

Obviously, we are not kings and queens now, nor has time stood still in America...yet it seems strangely the same. Almost as if it was all a dream in a way. We have been living the last two years in a world that is extremely different from the one in Texas. We dressed differently, spoke a different language, and functioned differently in society than we do here.  

I feel a bit as if I have been wondering around in a fog, trying to piece together these two very different realities that are now make up who I am.  I am sure as time goes on here, the processing will continue and as the journey into motherhood unfolds my identity will transform even more.  What will it mean to be a mother in Texas and then what will it look like to be a mother in India?  All I know is that grace and patience are greatly needed on this journey....

On a lighter note, here are a few weird things we have done, or things that have seemed strange to us:

1.  Ryan and I went to a store in Tyler to get a birthday present for my brother.  At the counter there was one woman who I guess was trying to check out.  R and I walked right up to the counter and started asking for a gift card(totally not acknowledging that there was a women there).  We weren't trying to be rude, but this is just how you get things done in India.  You walk to the front and try to get the person's attention.  The guy behind the counter, nicely told us he would help us as soon as he helped the lady who was standing in line in front of us....ooops!

2.  We have a scooter in India and R is the only one who drives it (although I think when we return, I would like to learn).  In our area, women don't really drive that much and let's be honest, Indian traffic still scares me.  Anyways, I was going to visit my Memee the other day and it was my first time to drive in two years and I was alone.  I drove out of the neighborhood then I had this total freak out about which side of the road I was supposed to be driving on.  India is opposite of America.  I sat there until a car came down the road so I could make sure I was on the correct side.  Oh dear...

3.  I have been amazed by how much space there is everywhere!  There is so much open-ness and I keep wondering where all the people are.  Even people's personal space is so much bigger.  I know that Indian's have a different meaning of personal space, but I didn't realize how weird it would seem to me now that people give me so much space.  I was coming out of a public bathroom the other day and there was a girl about 5 FEET away from me and she crossed to the other side of the hall and said, "oh, excuse me."  I was like "really"???  There was FIVE FEET, we could have fit about 5 people in between us with no necessary "excuse me" or "I'm sorry for walking so close to you."

4.  America is so extremely quiet.  We have been staying with our parents who both live in peaceful areas (not big cities), but still everything seems so quiet.  The first few nights, I felt like I could hear my heart beating in my ears due to the silence.  Also, everyone has central AC here in Texas so it clicks on and off as needed.  For the first few days, everytime the AC clicked off, R and I were like, "oh man, the power is out."  Nope, it's not.  

5.  There are Christians and Churches EVERYWHERE.  I mean seriously, as we drove from East Texas to Austin I thought about counting how many churches we passed, but I don't think I could have kept up.  There is Christian music on the radio, Christian signs and posters everywhere, and we keep overhearing conversations by Christians in public places.  It's all very different for us.  

I think this is what they call, reverse culture shock and it is strange :)

What's in a Name?

I have been dreaming about kid's names since I got married.  It is hard to pick a name, it seems so weighty.  This is what this kid will be known as forever!  That is a lot of pressure.  R and I both assumed our adopted child would join our family first and so the names we picked out where for him or her, then we when found out we were pregnant and started thinking about names, it just seemed like we were supposed to save those names.  Which means we started back at square one.  The meaning of names is important to us, we want it to be a type of prayer or declaration over our child, if that makes sense.  Also, living in India has made the meaning of names become even more important.  In India (at least among our Muslim friends) names all hold very special meanings and everyone wants to know what your name means.  With all that in mind, and now that we know we are having a little girl, we are proud to announce our baby girl's name will be:

Ava Lily Hartsfield

Here is the breakdown of her name:

Ava-  As I was searching names, I just loved Ava.  I had no idea it is really popular these days, but oh well.  The name Ava comes from the name Eve.  Eve was the first woman ever created and her name means "life" or "living one".

Lily-  About a year ago, I read a book called, "The Language of Flowers."  Great book!  It describes how in the past as men were courting women they sent messages through flowers.  In the back of the book there is an appendix with flowers meanings.  After I read the book, I became a bit obsessed with naming our future daughter with a flower name.  Lily means, purity.  We loved the way Ava Lily sounds together and the way life and purity go together.

Ava Lily.  We pray that our sweet girl will be a fresh breath of life and purity in everyone's life that she comes in contact with.  The kingdom of God is a place full of life, newness, beauty and purity.  May her precious life make people long for God's Kingdom.

Pieces of My Heart

Before R and I moved to India, we committed to staying here for two years before going back to the States. Well,  three weeks from today we will be leaving on a jet plane.  To say we are excited is an understatement.  We are counting the days!  To be able to have our first baby in America with our family and friends all around does something amazing for this "mom-to-be" 's crazy heart!

However, R and I have both been experiencing some torn-ness we didn't quite expect.  We have moved into a new house and love our new neighbors, we have been plugging along in language, and we finally have a sense of belonging here.  Don't get me wrong, there are still up and down days, but something has clicked for us and we feel like this exactly where we are supposed to be.  I wrote a blog post about HOME recently that talks a little about this.  How strange it is that we feel like Texas is home and India is home. In a million ways, they are worlds apart, but we have given pieces of our hearts to people in both lands.  When we are in India we long for Texas, and I am sure when we are in Texas we will long for India.  I wonder if all people who live in such different cultures feel this way.

I know these last two years, living in India has stretched R and I, changed us, made us more compassionate, made us more angry,  and perhaps made us skinnier than we have ever been before.  But, right now, as I think about traveling to Texas in a few weeks, I feel grateful.  Grateful to be going "home" to my country, my family and friends, my Tex-Mex food ;).  Grateful that God has allowed us to live in a city where there are relatively no foreigners in a neighborhood full of Muslims who know more about hospitality than I could ever hope to learn.  And most of all, grateful that we know and follow a God who is not just for one culture, or one people.  His kingdom is made up of and continues to grow into a kingdom of people from every country, every language, and every beautiful skin color on this earth.  So although my heart will always hurt when I am on the other side of the world from those I love, I'm grateful that this is the life God has given me.

Do I feel at home?

A few days ago, Ryan and I were skyping with his sister and she asked a question that I have been mulling over the last few days.  She said, “Now that you have been in India for a while, does it feel like home?” 

  What does home feel like?  Home feels like a place where you can be yourself and know that you are loved.  Home feels like laughing with your best friend, crying with your Mom, joking with your brother, eating your favorite foods, going on dates with your husband, praying, singing, and dancing with people who have grown up in similar way as you have. 

  Home is always some kind of illusive place we all want to go back to.  Like going back to the garden, before the world went wrong.  It is a place where all is right.  We walk with God in truth and vulnerability when we are truly at home.  There is only beauty there.  That home doesn’t quite exist here on earth, but it will.  God is recreating the garden and he is doing it in Jesus, so I will continue to wait, long, and hopefully be a part in some small way of bringing the new garden, the new kingdom to this earth. 

 

  Here in India, I will always be stared at and misunderstood simply because I am from a foreign land.  In that way, no I do not feel at home.  BUT, I am “making a home here.” There is a difference.  It doesn’t always look the way I expect it to look, or feel the way I expect it to feel, but it is slowly happening.  

You're adopting and pregnant? Q&A

Since we announced that we are indeed expecting another baby, this time the biological way, we have had many questions.  Thought I would attempt to answer some of those for you here J

1.  Are you still going to adopt?

  YES, most definitely!  Our decision to adopt was never based on if we could or could not have biological kids.  We have known since we were engaged that God was leading us to grow our family through adoption.  We still imagine that most of the Hartsfield kids will join us in that way. 

2.  Where will you have the baby?  India or America?

   The timing works out really great for us to be able to have the baby in America.  When we moved to India we wanted to stay here for two years in order to really acclimate, dive into culture and language.  We planned a long time ago that we would be returning to visit the states during winter of 2013, it turns out the baby is due around December 7^th.  We will extend our stay a few weeks in order to be in Texas by the time I am around 30 weeks, until after the birth.  This puts us in Texas from late September-mid January.  We are really excited to be able to experience this with our friends and family in America.  I am seeing a Dr in a city that is about an hour from us until we get back to America. 

3.  So now that you are having kids are you going to move back to America?

  Nope.  Although the last year and a half has been one of the toughest we have experienced and are still experiencing (pregnancy in India during the summer is not my favorite!).  Even amidst the hard days, we feel really strongly that God has lead us here and we are excited to start this new chapter of our lives in India J  All of our Indian friends are so excited and don’t really understand why we have waiting SO long to have kids anyways.  It is uncommon to wait here.  As soon as you get married, you get to trying to have babies!  

4.  (Most common question (more like a statement) from our friends here).  You want a boy, don’t you?

  We don’t care either way, just a healthy baby.  Of course, it is too soon to tell, but I have this feeling it will be a girl.  We want to find out the gender as soon as possible, but it will be complicated here.  It is actually illegal to tell the gender of an unborn baby because there are so many abortions done due to the fact that many families want boys.  Girls are a financial strain on families.  It is a sad reality here.  We will see if our doctor or the sonogram technician will give us a hint without actually telling us. 

5.  And the last question, I know many of you are wondering, but only a few of you are brave enough to ask:  Was this planned?

  I don’t know how everyone goes about trying to plan his or her family, but for Ryan and me, we definitely both imagined our first child would come to us through adoption.  After our home study we were floored at how long the wait might potentially take, esp when we were thinking about adopting from Bulgaria.  We had also gotten to a place in our relationship and life where we began to really long to bring children into our family and into our love for one another.  Because the Bulgaria wait was around 3 years we decided we would try for a biological baby, then we switched programs to Madagascar and we didn’t change anything.  So there you go.  Planned, yet still a little unplanned. 

And lastly, just a little side note/thought J

  Of course many more of you have had children the old-fashioned biological way vs the adoption way and so it is just easier to understand for most of you.  However, the way in which a child comes into a family is always a miracle and although different still very much a blessing ONLY from God.  Although the time-line for our biological baby is a bit more tangible, we are still counting down and longing for the day when both of our babies our in our home and we can’t wait to celebrate this 

An Adoption Change...

If you have kept up with this blog, you know that a few months ago Ryan and I got some discouraging news about our adoption process. We found out that the process for adopting from Bulgaria was going to take at least 3 years, maybe more. We were devastated, you can read about it here.

The main reason we had chosen Bulgaria is that our options were pretty limited due to the fact that we live overseas. It is hard to find a reputable agency that will work with you and countries that are willing to adopt to Americans living outside of America. It came down to two options for us, Bulgaria or Ethiopia.

I'm gonna be real with you here. Our initial preference was Ethiopia. It seemed right for us. However, we were concerned and fearful about what it would mean to raise a child from Africa in India. The belief that white is beautiful/good, black is ugly/bad is a sad reality we deal with daily among Indians. Ryan and I struggled with what to do. We emailed with friends who live in India and are adopting from Ethiopia, we talked with friends in America who have kids from Africa, we analyzed, analyzed, analyzed. And I am glad we did. After we analyzed our hearts out we decided we should just go with Bulgaria, we decided to play it safe.... in a way.

Then we found out about the wait for Bulgaria.

Then we listened to some sermons from the Stone (our church in America) and we felt convicted.

Not convicted on our own racism, although I think all of us are prone to our own forms of racism. But, convicted that we were letting the views of Indian culture speak loudly into how we would grow our family.

Not to mention as we have grown in language and understanding of culture here, we realize we will always be misunderstood. We are different. So we adopt from Africa...we will just be more different.

So the big news is.... we are adopting from Ethiopia! We are really excited!

How long will it take, you ask. Probably a year and a half, but in the world of adoption, those projected time lines can easily change.

Please pray for the last bit of our home study paperwork. I feel like so many people we know are flying through their home study stuff, yet ours drags on and on. Mainly due to lack of electricity, random issues of living in India, ect.... So please pray for Gods favor and speed for these last few documents (on the home study front). There will still be more to come after that. Adoption is a marathon, but one we are excited to be running :)

2012 Review

Wow, I can't believe this year is over.  It has been a very different year than I expected.  Last year I wrote this, so I thought I would do it again.  Hope you enjoy a little overview of my year.

1.  What did you do in 2012 that you have never done before?

-lived with a Muslim Indian family of 8 in a 2 room house
-bought a scooter
-had a washing machine(first time in married life)
-got my nose pierced
-rode an elephant in the jungle
-lived over 8 months in a city where Ryan and I are the only westerners

2.  Did you keep your new year's resolutions and will you make more for this year?

-Ummm, not really a new year's resolution kinda girl, so nope didn't keep them and nope won't make more this year.  I think there is a lot of wisdom in what this guy says about resolutions.

3.  What countries did you visit?

-Thailand twice.  Once for a language learning training(outside of Bangkok) and once for a conference(outside of Chaing Mai).

4.  What would you like to have in 2013 that you lacked in 2012?

- deeper friendships with Indian women
- a generator for the hot summer to keep from melting!!
- babies...

5.  What dates will remain etched in your memory from 2012 and why?  There are so many, but here are a few that stand out right now.

- March
  the day the mother in our bonding family took my face in her hands and told me they would be my family on Easter, because I was missing my family so much

-April
  the day we finally found a flat to live in!  after searching for a month, I thought we would never find a place

  we went to a two week language learning training.  it was amazing, i learned so much more than just a method to learn a new language.  it was refreshing and inspiring.  unfortunately, Ryan got some crazy rash on the back of his leg...!

-June
  we had some friends come spend some time in our city checking out if they wanted to move here.  it was so fun showing them around and spending time with people from our church, even if it was blazing hot!

-July
  went back to Thailand and got to meet a lot of new people and spend time with friends from PA.  was so fun to catch up with them.

- August
  Rhett came to India!!  our first family member to come visit us.  it was awesome because he is a pretty awesome guy, we are trying to get him to come back permanently!

  our first Ramadan.  we had a great time breaking the fast with friends.  so many people were so inviting, i don't think i cooked dinner one time that month ;)

  our first Eid.  this is the festival at the end of Ramadan.  again, so much fun with friends and SO.MUCH.FOOD!

-September
  our friends that live in our city had their first born son in America.  he only lived a few minutes before going to be with Jesus.  it was so hard to be so far from them on that day, but i will always remember hearing the news while sitting in a hotel in delhi.  you can read about their journey here.

-October
  after a year of not seeing each other, my Mom came to India!  oh my goodness, my heart was so happy.  i loved every second of her being here. i didn't want her to leave, but was oh so thankful for the time she was here.

  going to a wedding with our neighbors.  it was the most fun day we have had in India.  we spent the day(in between the important wedding stuff) playing at the Ganges with our friends.  so fun!

6.  What was your biggest achievement of the year?

-...umm we passed our home study.  that was a GREAT achievement that brings us one step closer to baby Hartsfield.

7.  What was your biggest failure?

-this question is tricky.  there is a lot this past year that i have felt like a failure in.  my biggest regret, not sure i would call it a failure, because failure seems so final, is that i was/still am so timid to put myself out there in trying to speak Hindi/Urdu.  i have this gross tendency to want to look smart and that has caused me to not try to speak knowing i will look dumb.  pride and fear....gross combination, i know.

8.  Did you suffer illness or injury?

-had some stomach illnesses, but hey that is life in India...right?

9.  What was the best thing you bought?

-washing machine :)  so boring, huh?
-scooter, it is so much easier and faster to get places now.  i do have a love/hate relationship with the scooter.  i didn't know you could have so much fun and feel so freaked out at the same time.  traffic in india is crazy.
-vegetable chopper, seriously it makes chopping veggies so much better....
-microwave.  the convection kind that you can make cookies in.  we don't have an oven, so this was a great purchase

i see a household item theme....i feel old...

10.  Where did most of your money go?

-adoption
-to the above items
-plane tickets, train tickets
-a deposit on our apartment

11.  What did you get really excited about?

-adoption and getting closer to bringing our little one home, even thought the paper work feels never ending....
-being able to understand and communicate deeper things with friends here in a their language.  being able to understand their stories
-monsoon season...the summer was hot yall!


12.  What song will always remind you of 2012?

-"For Your Splendor" by Christy Nockels.  this year was extremely challenging personally and for friends in our life.  this song continuously spoke to me in a deep way.
- "Some Nights" by Fun.  this was our pump ourselves up song.  so much time spent dancing to this song.

13.  Compared to this time last year are you:

-happier or sadder?  honestly...probably sadder.  the last 8 months have been a pretty lonely time.
-thinner or fatter?  hmmm not really sure.  probably a little fatter right now, haven't had stomach problems for a while :0
-richer or poorer?  richer, baby!!

14.  What do you wish you would have done more of?

-pushed myself to speak more in all those hours of language learning
-danced more with my hubby(that stinking long hot summer prohibits some of my desire to dance)

15.  What do you wish you would have done less of?

-being self-critical.  feeling like i should be better or doing better at language/adjustment stuff

16.  How did you spend Christmas?

-ate some chocolate chip muffins then headed to the train station.  we were planning on a 4 hour train ride to visit some friends, but it turned into a 3 hour wait at the station and a 15 hour train ride....dang fog!

17.  What was your favorite TV program?

-i know we are totally behind, but we started watching the office from season 1.  i love it.  michael is so hilarious and i love jim and pam(like i wish we could hang out with them)

18.  What were your favorite books?  this year i had a bad habit of starting books i thought i "should" read and then getting bored with them, but some of my favs were:

-Jesus Storybook Bible.  i know this isn't really a "book", it is a children's bible, but it is so good!
-The Language of Flowers by Vanessa Diffenbaugh
-Luke for Everyone by NT Wright
-Saturday Nothing by Josh Martin
-Speaking of Jesus by Carl Medearis
-The Furious Longing of God by Brennan Manning
-Anything by Jennie Allen
-MWF seeking BFF by Rachel Bertsche
-Simply Jesus by NT Wright

I am currently reading-
-Tempted and Tried by Russell Moore
-Twenty Things Adopted Kids Wish Their Adoptive Parent Knew


19.  What was your favorite music from this year?

-Andrew Peterson's new CD
-Fun
-Austin Stone's Christmas CD
-Christy Nockels new CD
-Chelsea Moon
-The Civil Wars,
-Gungor
-Phil Wickham

-i'm always wanting suggestions for new CD's esp since we live out of America now!!! suggest away.

20.  What were your favorite films this year?

-oh man, we only saw a couple movies when we were in delhi.  our theatre in our city only shows movies in Hindi.
-Argo was good
-counting down the days til Les Mis comes to Delhi....

21.  What did you do on your birthday and how old were you?

- THIRTY!!
- two girlfriends from delhi came to visit for the weekend and we went to pizza hut with my language helper and her mom.  great fun!
-got my nose pierced :)
- Ryan had some of my closest friends send me video messages for me to watch on my birthday and some written messages.  he had them answer certain question about me.  he then organized us to skype with his family and my family and he had asked them to answer the same questions.  it was really special.  so thankful he did that and so thankful for such great friends and family.

22.  What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?

-i loved the opportunities we have had to grown in friendship with locals, but having a community of Jesus followers would have been a great thing.

23.  How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2012?

-haha, bright colors.  actually, in a lot of ways i just bought close quickly because i had to get a whole new wardrobe.  now, i am more aware of the styles here and hopefully this year i can grow into my own American living in India style ;)

24.  What kept you sane?

-Ryan-words can't express how amazing he is and how patient he is with me
-Family
-Friends
-Skype
-the mall with an AC during the summer when our power was out
-lots and lots of God's grace and remembering how Jesus experienced everything we have experienced

25.  What is a valuable life lesson you learned in 2012?

- i can't do things in my own strength, not matter how hard i try.  

Dear 2012, you were a lot more difficult than I expected and I am sure there are things that we experienced that may take many years to understand, but God has been faithful and he has given us exactly what we needed exactly when we needed it.  Bring on 2013 :)

-

 

Living in the Longing

Living in India definitely has its perks.  The opportunity to learn a new language(on good days I call it an opportunity, some days not so much :/), new friends, a simpler life,  yummy food, vacationing in places like Thailand, Nepal, and Sri Lanka.  There is much about my life to be thankful for and much that many people would love to experience.  However, one thing I was not quite prepared for in moving here, was the longing I would feel.  The longing for things to be made right, for women to be equal, for kids to have clean drinking water, for orphans to have a warm blanket(not to mention a family who loves them!!).  My heart has learned to long for many things while living in India.

Christmas brings out the deep, personal longings.  In ways that make me want to not get out of bed and cry a lot. I know that the whole deal with Christmas is about how hope has come, Jesus has come and what wonderful news that is and the hope that he is coming again brings even greater joy.  Yet we live in the in between.  Oh that in between time, I feel like I am always talking about it, always thinking about how it is a beautiful yet dreadful time, full of hope and full of longing.

This Christmas there were deeper longings than I have felt in a long time.  This is not my first Christmas away from family or in a different country, but this year it just felt deeper.  I long to cuddle up on the couch with my nephew and watch "It's a Wonderful Life" or who am I kidding, that would probably be boring to him(he's only 4).  Anyways, he would pick a Christmas moving and we would snuggle on my Mom's couch and drink hot chocolate and eat chocolate chip cookies.  I long to sing Christmas carols with my Memee.  She always wanted to sing Christmas carols on Christmas eve and it was always awkward trying to sing acapella when we are not exactly a musical family.  But,  I would hold her hand and sing my heart out and she would tell me I am the best singer she has ever heard.  And she would mean it.  I long to help my brother set up all the toys for Christmas morning for my nephew.  I know he hates all the instructions on how to put those toys together and I would help him..err Ryan would do it and I would keep them company.  I long to sit around that big wooden table Ryan's Dad made for his Mom so many years ago.  We would talk about marriage, relationships, intimacy, and how aloneness is so bad.  I would even drink a little coffee along with everyone else this year.  Then I would ask my bro-in-law question after question about girls in his life and he would pretend like it annoys him, but I know he likes it.  I long to sit around my Mom's house with some of my best girlfriends.  Hold their new babies, talk about husbands or boyfriends or how guys are jerks, and how much life has changed in the last year, and remember how we are best friends because even if we don't see each other or even talk that much (because lets be honest, I am a horrible long distance friend) it is so easy to pick back up.  My heart longs....

I used to think longing was a bad thing.  I thought that if you were really walking with God then you should always feel content and that longing meant you probably had some kind of sin in your life or something.  I don't believe that anymore.  We are living in the longing time.  That is what Christmas is all about that Jesus came into the world and we are longing for him to come back.  So Christmas looked really different and not really in a good way, but thats okay.  This year I grab that cup of longing and take it in both of my hands and drink deeply, because in the longing we remember we are still alive.  Our work here is not finished.  One day it will be and we will no longer live in the longing, but for now we do and we say, "Come Lord Jesus, come". 

Top 10 Question People Ask Us

Before we moved to India, we came to visit for about 10 days.  After we returned our friends and family had so many question about what life is like here in India.  Now that we live here, we get so many questions about what our lives are like and what our lives in America were like.  I thought I would share the top ten questions we get asked.  We get asked most of these on a weekly basis, some daily!

A little context for those of you who are new readers.  We live in India(a Hindu majority country) however, the area we live in is a Muslim area.  All of our friends and neighbors are Muslims so these questions are coming from that point of view.  I cover my head out of respect for the people we live among.  I assume if we lived in a different area of the city the questions might be different, but I think many of them would be the same.  I am not in any way making fun of these questions.  I am appreciative that people ask questions instead of making assumptions.  I believe you can learn a lot about people by the questions they ask.

In no particular order here are the top 10 questions:

1.  Do people in America wear the same kind of cloths as us?  
A.  No, only Indian people who live in America wear Indian cloths.  However, they are extremely comfortable.

2.  Do you have kids?
A.  No
Immediate follow up question:  Why not?
A.  We have been waiting to have kids.  We are now in the process of adoption.  This leads to many more questions.  One of those questions usually being, "what is wrong with you?"

3.  How long have you been married?  (this is always connected with the kids question)
A.  3 years

4.  Was your marriage arranged or love?
A.  It was half and half.  Our close family friends introduced us to one another because they thought we would be a good match and then we fell in love.

5.  Do you know how to cook?
A.  Yes
Immediate follow up:  What do you cook?  Do you cook roti(flat bread)?
A.  I cook a lot of different things from recipes.  People in America don't eat roti except in Indian restaurants(this is one of the most shocking answers of all)
Immediate follow up:  If you don't eat roti, how do you ever get full?
A.  I don't know :)

6.  Are you from Kashmir(North India)?  People in Kashmir are lighter skinned and cover their heads.
A.  No, we are from America.

7.  Where are you from?
A.  America

8.  Are you a muslim?
A.  No, we are followers of Jesus(Isa al Masih).  

9.  Did you learn Hindi in school in America?
A.  No, I wish!!

**10.  I have never been asked this question, but Ryan gets asked it quite often.  Is sex free in America?  (not sure all that is behind that question)
A.  No, why do you ask that?

There you have it, a glimpse into the questions that are in a part of our regular life.  There are many other questions, some funny, some sad,  and some very thought provoking.  If you live close to, or work with people from other countries, I encourage you to to ask questions and break down those walls of misunderstanding.  Many things would change in the world if we started asking good questions and listening to each other's answers.  

Joy and Courage

I like to write, I like to share my thoughts on here and honestly I like to get feedback.  Maybe it is because I am living with my husband as the only westerners in a city of 5 million and I want some kinda of camaraderie that comes from this blog, or maybe I just like attention...  Anyways, there are times when blog posts or ideas float around in my head for awhile.  They are usually about what I am learning at the time.

This is one of those posts.  It has taken me a long time to write because although I hope I am learning these things, I am a slow learner which leads me to think I am not actually learning.  I don't want to be a fraud or a fake, but then I thought, "we are all walking and stumbling and trying again, that is why Jesus is so beautiful and grace is so amazing."

There are two words that I have been praying over my life right now.  I've never really done that before, but these words keep coming up in my mind and so I think it is most likely from God.  I also find the opposite of these two words chasing after me, so the best thing I know to do is either pray or eat chocolate and cry.  Sometimes, I do both or all three.

I long to be full of two things right now:

Joy and Courage

Joy and Courage

Joy and Courage

Still working out what that means everyday.  How do you live with joy when things don't go the way you planned or expected?  How do you live with joy when people around you are suffering and hopeless?  What does it mean to be full of courage?  How do you walk in courage and humility?

These are the things floating around in my head and heart.  These are the things God is working out in me.  I wish I could wrap this blog up with a nice ending, but there is no ending right now.  We are in the waiting...in the learning...and that is an okay place to be.

Come, Lord Jesus and bring your Kingdom!

PS:  I wish I had some cool art work to hang on my walls with the words Joy and Courage.  Any ideas?

Clinging to Thankfulness

More often than I would like to admit I find myself wanting things I don't have.  Or wanting more of the things I do have.  My Mom has left and with her leaving came lots of tears and that nagging feeling of being alone.  Not that I don't have Ryan and not that he isn't pretty much the most kind, genuine, patient, and caring person I have ever met, seriously.  BUT, we are made for community(which means multiple people) and there was something about having my Mom close by that made life a little more comfortable.  Someone else's shoulder to cry on and help me process my craziness/insecurities.  It's not really fair that usually R has to do this alone(poor guy!), so it was awesome having both of my favorites living under the same roof!

The night before my Mom left, I found myself wide awake thinking about our month together.  The thought of waiting another year before being with my Mom again began to weigh heavily on my heart.  I could feel that burning in my throat that comes before the tears so I started praying.  God began to speak to my heart there in that hotel room in Delhi.  I am not sure if I have always been like this, or if just lately I have had the tendency to dwell on the difficult.  Ugh, pessimist!  I dwell on how hard life is, how much I miss my friends and family, how much I miss Mexican food, ect.  I have forgotten to remember(is that a weird sentence..."forgotten to remember") all the good things that God has done.  I guess that is why over and over the scriptures constantly call us to remember the things God has done for his people.  In light of that, I am clinging to thankfulness.  I want to remember! Here are some of the things I am thankful for(some serious, some not so serious).

1.  I am thankful for my Mom being here to help us get our house ready for our home study(cleaning and decorating) and thankful for her presence and comfort when we found out the wait is going to be much longer than we expected.  

2.  I am thankful for the first time my Mom tried on Indian cloths.  It consisted of us both almost on the floor of the dressing room laughing because the pants were so huge on her.  

3.  I am thankful for our hours upon hours of Facebook stalking together.  Ah, Facebook, what would we do without you? 

4.  I am thankful my Mom got to meet all our friends and how special she became to them.  

5.  I am thankful that my Mom has walked the streets we walk, rode the rickshaws we ride, and eaten the food we eat.  She understands where we live now.  

6.  I am thankful she washed our dishes...EVERY day!

7.  I am thankful she was able to stay a whole month.  I mean who really gets to do that and still keep their job??  

8.  I am thankful she got to go to a wedding with us and experience our favorite day with our Indian friends.  

9.  I am thankful that on that same day, when I put her on a motorcycle with some guy that I don't know, she ended up at that wedding in one piece :)

10.  I am thankful she was healthy the whole time she was here...unfortunately she wasn't when she got home.  But, thankful she had her bathroom with her western toilet to be sick in.  Ugh, horrible!

11.  I am thankful that although there were mice in her presence at different times(i.e. in the same room), she was unaware they were close by.  :)

12.  I am thankful she has such an adventurous spirit and is willing to try almost anything.

I could go on and on but most of all:

13.  I am so thankful to have a Mom that loves so unconditionally,  is continuously encouraging, and is one of the best listeners I know. 


Although my emotions tempt me to forget, I am praying God gives me the strength to cling to thankfulness.

The day we went to a wedding in a village

We went to our first village wedding a week or so ago.  Weddings here are a huge undertaking.  Lots of money is spent on food, dowry, cloths, jewelry, ect.  I decided instead of trying to write about it, I would post a photo blog.  So here is the wedding day in pictures:

The girl in the corner is the bride.  Mom got to ride to the village on the back of a motorcycle, while I walked.  This was before I arrived.  For most of the day, the bride sat in this corner as different women came in to see her.  Half way through the day, she turned and faced the wall with her back to all the women.  She told me she was very nervous about the day.  Her eyes were constantly on the verge of tears.

Men cooking lots of tandoori roti(bread that is made in a clay pit type thing).  Hundreds of guests came and ate for the wedding.

Eating buffalo, bread, and rice(so tasty!)  My friends also made me wear this bring lipstick, apparently my make-up was lacking a bit.

The groom arriving on a horse.  He is covered in flowers and surrounded by drums and his family, announcing his coming.

The man with the short beard is our neighbor who invited us to his distant relative's daughter's wedding.

The groom's family and guy friends are wearing the orange scarves.  They meet the bride's family and place flowers around their necks.

Exchanging greetings and flowers.

The groom on his decorated horse.

Everyone eagerly watching the groom's arrival.

Mom and I were given flowers.

The groom.

Our neighbor's son and his cousin.

Some dressed up cuties on the groom's side.

The groom surrounded by women in his family and gifts.

The Mullah(a muslim man educated in Islamic law and theology) performing the Nikah(the wedding ceremony) with the groom.

Mom and me :)

The Mullah performs the Nikah separately with the bride.  She is behind the sheet.

Men in with the groom.

The Mullah recited the Quran in the groom's room.

Men listening to the Mullah reciting the Quran.

There is a huge break here (maybe 2 hours), in which we went to the Ganges river with the family who invited us.  That is a blog post all on it's own.  Ryan and I would both rate that experience as the most fun we have had with an Indian family here.  Such a fun time.  So after playing at the river for a while, we returned as the bride was getting ready to leave.  I think the bride was getting ready during the time we were gone.  

In Indian culture almost all weddings are arranged.  This means that a girl is leaving her family to join a new family that she usually doesn't know.  She has grown up surrounded by her family, many times sleeping in the same room with her sisters and so leaving is a very sad time for her.  The bride here is sobbing as she says good-bye to her family members.  It was so sad.

The groom is standing in the middle with the black outfit on.  He waits as his new bride clings to her family.

After a while, the bride was sobbing so hard one of her relatives picked her up to take her and put her in the car.  

The bride and groom are both in the car, but at this point have still not spoken or seen one another.  They will return to the groom's parent's home, where they will meet for the first time as husband and wife.

The car is packed full of the groom's family.

There they go, my heart broke a little for this young bride and she left everything she has ever known.  She will visit her family in a few days, but everything will change for her.  She will now spend her days as a wife and most of her time with be spent with her new mother-in-law and sisters....

I pray God blesses their marriage and their family and makes them a blessing to those with whom they live.

The day we went to our neighbors house to watch a sacrifice

Last weekend in between having our home study interviews, we were busy visiting our friends as they celebrated one of the biggest holidays in the Muslim world, Eid al Adha.  In India it is called Buckra Eid.(Buckra means Goat).

  During Buckra Eid, animals are sacrificed in rememberance of God providing a sacrifice for Abraham(Ibrahim)'s son.

  During the days leading up to Buckra Eid, the streets of our city where filled with goats and buffalo.  In India(or at least in our state) it is illegal to kill cows so no cows are sacrificed here.  We also heard about camels being sacrificed, but we didn't see any in our area.

  While Rhett was visiting in August we met a family that lives across the street from us, and have begun to spend time with them.  They are so kind and generous and invited us to come over when they sacrificed their buffalo.

  They told us they were going to sacrifice around 9am and so we set our alarms and planned to shower and get ready to be there by 9.  Well, around 7:30am the daughter called and excitedly told us to come at 8am.  We scrambled to get ready as she called every 10 minutes or so telling us to hurry up!  We walked into their courtyard around 9 just seconds after the sacrifice.  R was pretty bummed.  I was a little relieved that I had missed seeing this huge animal sacrificed as the blood ran around my feet.  (Have I mentioned my Mom is here??)  Yeah, I think she was a little relieved as well.  Mom and I went upstairs to watch as the butchers cut up the buffalo, while R stayed downstairs with the men.  The animal is divided into 3 parts:  one for the family, one for friends or relatives, and one for the poor.  By around 10:30am we were eating some of the buffalo.

  I am an East Texas girl and have many close friends who are hunters, however, my Dad was not a hunter and I wasn't really exposed that much to skinning and cleaning of animals.  It was a little overwhelming for me.  Everywhere we went for three days there were buffalo and goats on the sides of the streets being sacrificed and goat skins for sale.

  We did have many good conversations with friends about the meaning of Buckra Eid and we long to understand even more what this sacrifice means for our friends and neighbors.  Many of  wondered if we would sacrifice a goat.  We tried to explain that we don't do Qurbani (sacrifice) because Jesus was and is our ultimate sacrifice.

  One thing I really love about the holidays around here is all the hugging.  In this culture, hugging is not an everyday thing(which makes me pretty sad), but during both the Eid after Ramadan and Buckra Eid everyone greets each other with a hug and greeting.  I love it!

  There are so many more things to say about Buckra Eid and our friends and neighbors, but I will leave you with some pictures....

  Oh, btw R did get to see a total sacrifice the next day.  He even has video if you want to watch....it is extremely graphic.  The head of the family makes the first cut while reciting a blessing, then the butchers finish everything.

WARNING:  These are GRAPHIC!!

Buffalo and goats for sale

Our neighbors courtyard after they had sacrificed the buffalo(see my Mom in the back ground?)

watching from upstairs

All the kids of the family(this house has 3 brothers and their families that all live together)

This is on the street in front of our language nurturers home

There is a tent set up where people can buy a buffalo and have it sacrificed there in the tent